Many would have you believe that the settlement was first founded in the beginning of the 10th century, giving King’s Lynn museum a thousand years of history to work with. However, I will now show compelling evidence, that reveals the undeniable truth, that Lynn was discovered (note discovered, not founded) in 1786.

First of all, allow me to show you the earliest known complete map of the world.

The earliest complete map of the world. Possibly also part of the earliest edition of the board game Risk.

Unfortunately, the original of this map was left in a photocopier in the Ipswich branch of Partners (Which formerly was “Stationary Box”, which formerly was “Slowly stopping box”, which formerly was “Steady paced moving box”, which formerly was “Rapidly accelerating box”, which formerly was “Box about to be kicked by an angry Elephant”, which originally was just “Box”*).

Without the original, precise dating is impossible. However, there’s many clues that serve as proof of it’s early date;

1, The use of crayons and paints, presumably as felt tip pens and glitter glue were not yet invented.

2, There is no mention of the word “xylophone”. Children’s cardboard dictionaries were invented in 1367, any map made after this would almost certainly feature the word “xylophone”, as all cartographers sought to show off their newly found knowledge. Prior to this, only particularly intelligent xenophobes and xylophone salesmen knew any words beginning with ‘x’.

3, South America is not yet called South America, as although it is South, there is not yet anything North of it for it to steal a name from.

4, Madagascar has not yet been built. Madagascar was not built until 2005, as a Disneyland style resort to cash in on the success of the film of the same name.

As you can see, Norfolk is still entirely underwater, and America is still an un-marked suburb of Birmingham, just off junction 4a of the M6. At this time, it was roughly the size of the car park of a 24hr Tesco’s.

Fast forward now, to the year 1780. When the noted cartographer duo , Mr. Ordnance and Mr. Survery released their revised map.

Map of the world, 1780. Not that different really. Boringly similar. Sorry.

By now, Wales has been discovered. Australia is now a prison. Non-Europe had been renamed “Asia”, and Russia is still weird and pretending backwards ‘R’s are acceptable letters.

Luckily, Ordnance and Survey dated this map. So I don’t have to make up twiddle about how old it is. Finally, this brings us within paragraph distance of the discovery of King’s Lynn. At this time, America had been fighting a war to gain independence from the British (or, ‘darned tea drinking money grabbing oppressive, yet admittedly jolly and polite, chaps’ as the Americans called us) for five years. It was at this point, that the Americans realised that a small car park sized Birmingham suburb could never be truly independent without a body of water surrounding it.

There was but one simple and logical solution. Dig a moat.
Unfortunately although very simple, they were not at all logical, and instead towed ‘America’ out to see via modified amphibious golf carts.

This took roughly four years, and incidentally led to golf courses restricting the lending of complimentary carts.

Once at the ocean, an unexpected happening occurred. The new continent began to swell in size. It was realised that all had failed to noticed that it was in fact not made of rocks and grass and stuff, but of that weird towely foamy spongey stuff that expands in water, and it soon ballooned to the 9.83 million squared kilometres it is now.

This sudden absorption of water caused a lowering the worlds sea level by roughly a metre, and meant that Norfolk was no longer underwater.

King’s Lynn was now uncovered.  It was actually almost identical to it’s current state, having been formed from discarded buildings that were thrown into the sea by other towns. It was pure luck that they had fallen the correct way up and in the pattern of a thriving sea port and medieval market town.

An important yet little known fact is that the ‘Lattice House’ was originally a Royal Navy frigate. She sank in the summer of 1786 whilst her crew conducted misguided experiments evaluating the ease of retrofitting beer cellars whilst at sea.

Her Majesty's Ship 'Lattice House'. Pictured here without rigging and sails, but still retaining it's original Volkswagen lifeboat.

The surviving sailors had no choice but to jump overboard into the abyss. Weirdly convenient timing meant that before they hit the water, the water level lowered and they landed cleanly on dry land (well, slightly moist, but dry in comparison to the sea) and discovered the town they would claim as their own and name “King’s Lynn” (Which is of course nautical slang, meaning “Place where sea was but no longer is.”).

Evidence of this unusual origin can still be observed every New Years day, when locals follow the proud tradition of attempting to re-float the Lattice House with Evian® and novelty inflatable hammers.

It is a great weight off my mind, that no matter what happens to me, that our town’s great history will now be preserved.

Having said that, all of this information may be in Lynn Museum. No one’s ever been inside to find out.

*I don’t mean the Elephant was formerly a box, that would be silly. Also, evolutionarily unlikely. Boxes generally evolve into children’s forts or large square cardboard hats.

I didn't take this, nor have I Photoshop'd or alter it in anyway. I searched on the internet, and what did I find? More evidence. Rather compelling evidence if you ask me.

Every time I see one in the morning, I think “Oooh, Kit Kat! That’ll do for later! Perfect!”. Except it won’t do for later, because whereas now it is a impressively angular and well shaped shiny stately looking bar (wearing an official looking red sash*),  when I go to eat it later it’ll be a misshapen ugly, shadow of a biscuit, with foil embedded in every newly created melted chocolate orifice.

Of course later on, I’ll be actually hungry. Hence why I the emergency Kit Kat. So I’ll have no choice but to carefully undress the mutilated wafer body, and carefully pick out the flappy invasive shards of aluminium foil, and doing all this in the fashion of a giant back street doctor conducting an autopsy on a dwarfen industrial accident victim. Before resorting to cannibalism**.

I attempted to enter the official Kit Kat website and was refused. It says "Application Error", but how likely is that? Isn't it perhaps an odd coincidence that they are denying their harshest critic access to their website?

There I will sit, with foil all around me, chocolate all over my fingers, and eating an actually rather morbid tasting*** chocolate biscuit, and I will be depressed. I will you also be alone. Even if before I was with friends and possible lovers, I couldn’t possibly eat it in front of them. There’s just no way of doing it without looking like a teenage sugar addict with special needs.

Instead I’d have to find somewhere dark and out of the way, perhaps eating it off the cistern in a pub toilet, possibly pulling the fire alarm and hoping you can eat it before the fire service see you, but all too often not being able to and just going hungry.

A four finger Kit Kat is fine, a Kit Kat Chunky is fine, but a two finger Kit Kat? Not in my pocket thank you very much.

One final thought…

Whatever happened to Terry’s Waifa Biscuits?
A Kit Kat Clone with style, particularly exquisite was the dark chocolate variety.

I honestly don’t think I’ve felt so much loss since Diana died.

*I’m thinking like a mayor. Kit Kats are the mayors of chocolate biscuits. Racist mayors.

**Is a giant eating a dwarf still cannibalism? I think it is aslong as it’s a giant human and a human dwarf. Hopefully this is a topic where scientific opinion has not quite reached a consensus, and this ‘article’ will encourage debate amongst the community. Reasoned debate.

***When it comes down to it, Nestle don’t make great chocolate. It’s rather mediocre. Interesting in Smarties, a nice change at Easter, but undeniably mediocre. 

"I'm Benedict Actorface, my name sounds made up, and it is, partly by me - so I stand out, and partly by Tim - because my surname is too ridiculous for him to remember. I make Sherlock seem bizarrely plain, unlikeable and uninteresting. Like a dead, plastic version of Derren Brown."

I can’t help but think their brief was as follows:

“We need a new series. Like ‘Doctor Who’ but not called ‘Doctor Who’. It needs to be stylish and gimmicky… again like ‘Doctor Who’… but based around something else people already like, so it’s not at all risky.

Oh, like ‘Doctor Who’ it also needs to appeal to adults and youngsters alike. So grim storylines with lashings of humor. Not actual humor, then it won’t be taken seriously. Just lines that sound out of place.

Just in case that doesn’t work, cast a comedy actor as Dr. Watson. Lenny Henry maybe, no wait… we’ll brainstorm on that later.”

I can’t help but think it could have been fantastic.
As it is, it looks like a College media project (I mean no disrespect to College media students, but the BBC have much larger budgets).

"I'm Martin Freeman aka Dr Watson. My presence will probably make you wonder how brilliant it could have been had Ricky Gervais played Sherlock Holmes. No one actually told me if this was a comedy or a drama, and reading the script just made me feel depressed."

I would love to get hold of the script and re-work it. Eventually re-casting and re-filming it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think that highly of myself that I believe writing a successful BBC drama is merely an afternoons work, but I truly believe an updated Sherlock Holmes could be a tremendous success, and that I’d truly struggle to do worse…

The casting seems entirely wrong to me. None of the actors seem to really click into their roles. The story is inexcusably predictable (if you watch it, it is exactly who springs to mind when you first hear them mention ‘airport’), and the direction has all the tackiest shots from Doctor Who, and then some. I can’t describe it, it has to be seen to be disbelieved.

I could rant for hours why it’s so awful, but I’m sure you realise you can just trust me, as the Sherlock Holmes stories are literally the only works of fiction I read, and I did watch the programme all the way through. You could too, it’s on iPlayer, but I could never recommend it.

This is me on or about my 18th Birthday, in 2007. Just before I became a total idiot. I have since recovered. Though I often still wear the same tie. Pretty tie. I post this only because I have no relevant pictures to add, and I happen to find this on my old phone.

I’ve been watching “Jeremy Kyle”.

I don’t think there’s anything more uplifting in the world.

I think Jeremy Kyle should be prescribed to cancer sufferers around the world, it’ll either cheer them up…  on the basis that it’s  one hundred times better to be an intelligent person with cancer than a healthy idiot, or possibly make them depressed to the point of considering euthanasia. Which probably means it should be avoided.

Cancel that plan.

“at the end of the day that was at the start”
- Idiot on Jeremy Kyle, explaining why he wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t cheated on his pregnant girlfriend.
He’d earlier claimed that they had ‘lied together naked all night, but didn’t do anything sexual’.

Although I enjoyed it overall, I did fire off a quick e-mail to ITV when I realised there’s plans for them to get part of the license fee, so we will indirectly be FUNDING the daft ‘lie detector’ tests*, refreshments for elderly Scottish prostitutes, and other assorted related expenses.

I’m struggling to post enough to make it routine, and immune from enthusiasm zapping bouts of inactivity.
I can think of reasons for this.
I have made a simple yet effective list of said reasons below.

1, I’m working out the many plans to become a millionaire. Before I make a million, I must make a hundred thousand, and before I make a hundred thousand.. I must make ten thousand, and before I make ten thousand… I must make £5.80 an hour selling outdoorsy clothes and accessories to outdoorsy clothes and accessory needing people. That’s called ‘Tim’s theory of becoming richer than he is now via a part time minimum wage paying retail position’.

2, I am tired. Or lazy. Or perhaps both. My frequent naps get in the way of rambling. Often I eat entire chocolate desserts then fall asleep. On the plus side though, they do provide me with hundreds of wild and vivid dreams, which range from the completely bizarre to the utterly terrifying. Luckily I repress most of them within minutes of waking up.

3, I don’t like to make lists of only two items. That is not so much an excuse, more of an explanation of why I’m still typing when I finished saying anything even remotely relevant many words past.

I thought I should write about all the things I’ve done in the past month, all the amazing stories and fantastic tales of my triumphant deeds in the face of evil. Including this mornings amazing events, involving me eating an entire chocolate dessert! Which is pretty much it actually, I ate a chocolate dessert. Nothing more interesting has happened since 1996, the year I had four chocolate desserts then abstained entirely for 1997.

More importantly, I should write down my dreams though, so they can be preserved here forever, so that they can be quoted in newspapers when I’ve finally lost the plot and gained international notoriety for training wild bears to lunge wildly in the direction of former American presidents.

More unfortunately, as already mentioned, I’ve repressed all the dreams. So there’s nothing to share. I’ll make an effort to write them down next time I wake up screaming.

TO CONCLUDE: I am bored, looking forward to times in which I have spare money (I’ve just bought a new phone). Also, I’m sorry if there’s parts of this post that make not any sense, I started it and then went for a walk and went back to the draft without actually reading it through. I also never proof read.

*Lie detectors on The Jeremy Kyle Show are like faulty fire alarms… yes they’re correct 99% per cent of the time, when the idiots are lying and there isn’t a fire, but the other 1% of the time could be very dangerous for some.

For years, men have fought. Sometimes with other men, sometimes with themselves, sometimes with odd looking trees that look a bit like Hitler in the dark.

There are however, some rivalries that go deeper than the odd disagreement, deep enough to void the warranty on most consumer electronics. In this case, scuba deep.

The fish appears quite nonchalant considering his foe (in fact, my fish are always nonchalant). He may appear badly drawn and distorted, but that's obviously the effects of seeing him through the scope and through the water.

No one would have thought that the two most contrasting of existences… that of the humble fish… and that of the angry sniper… could have clashed quite so spectacularly…..

Our story begins, somewhere between nought and ninety seventy thousand hundred years ago, during one of the many wars that has plagued our islands history. A war fought between the archers of England and the fisherman of Scotland.
For a while both areas of differently accented people co-existed peacefully, separated by the river Hadrian, and united with an immense hatred of European culture (Incidentally the river which was later converted into a Roman style wall by the National Trust, in an attempt to take advantage of tourists want for all things shoddy and Roman. A want which would later make Time Team the most successful failure in archaeological history).

Scots would listen politely to tales of English conquests and achievements – most of which involved lies about dragons, and tales of money off coupons with special packs of Kelloggs breakfast cereals. At the same time, the English would quietly ignore the Scottish, not because of any particular ill feeling or mistrust, but because they really had no idea what any of them were saying. A tradition that continues in pubs across the land to this day.

This harmony wouldn’t last however.

Historical records are poor (many of them being Barry Manilow covers), but we can ascertain that on approximately the 16th March 1089, between 9.05 and 9.15, in between the BBC Breakfast news and the generic programme about time limited DIY, that one small mishap ruined relations for the next 500 years.

Obviously that’s not it. I just lack energy to complete it right now. Still, if you’re a publisher and want to give me a £50,000 advance and little stickers saying “Author” to put on my business cards then get in touch. I work faster with large wads of cash stuffed in my pockets.

How can I prove this?

I can’t, but I did set them up websites, so it’s clear that they probably exist.

I can tell you at least that they definitely aren’t mannequins stolen from Millets wearing wigs and soiled charity shop clothing*.

First up, because the alphabet insists, is Edd, Edwyn Butler**. He’s an old school friend, with a guitar and things.

HERE HERE IS HE:

He forgot to charge for his music and as such can't pay his lighting bill. Don't worry though, in real life he has a face and everything***.

You should definitely go to: www.EdwynButler.com, and have a listen. I particularly like “Birds On A Wire”, it even made it onto my playlist. That’s not even a lie. I wouldn’t have bothered to make him a website if I didn’t think it was worth listening to. That is a lie actually, I would have, but I would have charged him.

Next up is Hoggy.

HERE HE IS****:

This is Hoggy. Not a recent picture, but I like the hat. Reminds me of coal and accents.

His website is www.HoboMoments.com. It is a blog. Go and have a look. At the moment he hasn’t got alot on there, but I will be hounding him into posting regularly. I need things to hound. I’m a houndrel*V*.

In other news, I’m illish. Which is somewhat annoying. Did mean I’ve slept all day though, which is less annoying.

I’m sure I had more to say.
Something about.. pens? No? Hold on.

Nope, it’s gone.
Night Night.
Failure tonight.
Forgotten entirely what I was here to say.
Let’s just hope it wasn’t important.

Oh that was it, I fixed the ‘Share’ button. Why not test it? There’s a like button too! Both equally fun buttony items of amazing Facebook integration.

I wish you some of the best (I’m keeping most of it for myself) and the sweetest of dreams (All mine end up horrifying and mind warping anyway)

Goodnight x

*Don’t even bother trying to steal mannequins from Millets. They all have dodgy arms. Some idiot keeps dropping them onto the granite flooring everytime he picks one up. I do always glue them back together, but they always end up looking somewhat arthritic.

**That’s not always his name, but I mean that factually, and not pointing it out in a mean way. After all, people in glass houses shouldn’t walk around naked.

***On reflection, I notice the ‘and everything’ sounds weird. It’s not meant to. I mean he has a face and ears and such. You just can’t see him because he’s sitting in the dark.

****That’s actually what I meant to type last time but got very wrong. Also, you may notice I’m going for the record in uses of asterisks, or as Hoggy calls them ‘little stars’.
Along with the little stars we also have:
—– = Tiny steel girders.
^ ^ = Little Oriental hats.
( ( ( = Left looking Longbow spares.
> > = Two Toppled triangular cruet sets.
/ / / / = Four faulty vertical lines.
I got fairly alliterative doing that. Sorry.

*V*This is an experiment. Five asterisks looks silly. So I went with a Roman numeral spin. Mainly to see if it works. I’m at the cutting edge of literacy here. Sharper than Shakespeare. Forwarder than forewords. Pioneering in paragraphs. Revolutionising reading. Trail-blazing in terms. Writing like a tit.

Really I just liked the word ‘Houndrel’. Sounds like a Pokemon, or a mischievous Basset.

Today I have a very welcome day off, after a weekend that involved spending two nights sleeping in a primary school field whilst being harassed by drunken teenagers.

As it was my first time in a tent.. I thought I’d keep a log. To see how it compares to boating holidays (Which are much more peaceful. Drunken teenagers can’t handle water. Even drunken ducks struggle.)

My tent was a three man Eurohike ‘Avon’

I slept in that. Notice the luminous guy lines, pictured un-extended. When in use, these stood out from the backdrop and meant I could see them clearly each of the 47 times I still managed to trip over them.

Log of Eurohike tent ‘AVON’, pitched < 0.1km south of ‘West Winch Primary School’ main building.

11th June 2010

21:16 – Am in sleeping bag. Radio on. Heard nice song that went something like ‘everytime it rains’, but with more words and a tune.
Still light outside.
Hideously undep underpe underper bad at spelling.
Also, hideously under-prepared.
No lights, bitter, or even basic satellite television.
Tent is surprisingly spacious.

21:23 – Can hear voices, shall turn radio off to investigate. Alert level is turquoise.

21:24 – Realised voices were on radio. Alert level white.

21:27 – Spotted small noticeboard on WEST side of tent. Intend to examine.
UPDATE: Small noticeboard was in fact ‘fire retardancy label’. Label appears functioning as tent not on fire.

21:33 – Turned on cellular communications device, instantly received ‘creepy crawly’ warning. Examination shows sleeping quarters sealed, secure and without evidence of perimeter compromise. Verbal warning issued to crawling creeps as a precaution.

21:42 – Compass showing steady bearing, distance between tent and school is worryingly similar to last calculations. Inspection reveals tiny peg like anchors surrounding the Avon.
Shall consult operation instructions for solution.

21:50 – Manual reveals anchors to be deliberate, and lack of speed necessary for tent to function. A disappointing limitation. It may take some effort to modify evasive maneuvers in case of pirate contact.
For now, will modify plan to dive upon vessel sightings, and stay submerged until vessel confirmed friendly or threat no longer present.

22:04 – Routine practice of revised plan reveals yet another limitation. Light now fading fast.

Will have to implement one final revision of piracy evasion plan, codenamed ‘Sitting duck’ (full title to be ‘Cold duck sitting in almost complete darkness without food or water’)

22:12 – Without either light or spellchecker, little choice is left but to attempt sleep.

END.

After that involved lots of getting up to scare off youngsters.
Luckily the next night I was able to drink many cans of Carlsberg to ensure sleep.

I’m sure I took more pictures by the way.
I just failed to save them.

I know it’s perhaps not the photo you were expecting, but I happen to think this one’s much prettier.

No need for the other one.

I’m sure if she wanted to show you her breasts you probably wouldn’t have to google it.

My doctor, Hugh Laurie. Notice that however long you stare into his eyes, he never blinks. That's not because it's a picture, it's a symptom of his horrible drug addiction. He hasn't even changed costumes since Jeeves and Wooster, he's just wrapped his tie around his arm to help him find a vein.

I speak the truth.
I am actually ill for once.

It seems to be some sort of cold, flu, or possibly influenza. Statistically though, I reckon it must be lupus. It’s never lupus, so it’s about time it was lupus, therefore I definitely have lupus.

“I’ve got lupus
Got it on a school bus
I’ll make no-fus’
It maybe unjus’
But hey, that is lupus”

That’s my lupus song.
It’s to keep my spirits up, for when I get ill’er and ill’er whilst the best diagnostic team in the world treat me for lupus.

“I say *phew*
It was just flu
Who knew?
Probably Hugh.
The twat.”

That’s my song for when it turns out it was just the flu, and that all the bone marrow extraction and eye needles were entirely unnecessary. You will notice I blame Hugh Laurie, who would have spotted it from the start had he not have been off his face on opiates the entire time.

I’ve got work tomorrow, so I’d better be well by then.
If not, I’ll go anyway.
I’ll just only function at the level of the average mortal.

P.s. In case anyone is confused by this, I’ve been referring to the popular American medical drama ‘House M.D.’, which stars Hugh Laurie as a brilliant yet flawed doctor. Unfortunately, it lacks sirens and slow motion car accidents, so don’t bother watching it. Car accidents > Lupus.

Not because of a dark criminal past, but this time because of my lack of blogging recently. This is my first post in just over 16 days, and it’s not even going to be a very good one. I’m too tired.

I haven’t really even got anything interesting to report. I work, pub and sleep.

Oh, and spend far too much on ridiculous items I really have no need for. I ordered another Safari Suit on Friday morning, and last week bought myself two new snooker cues and cases (one of which happens to be beautiful and particularly woodyish).

I will take pictures of beautiful items, and pointless Tim Timmington merchandise (which I’ve had for aggges and not got round to really mentioning) on Tuesday, and create a post that not only lets people see how wastefully I spend money, but also teaches us all an important life lesson that I recently learnt the hard way*.

*(by the ‘hard way’, I actually mean I heard Grandpa say it on ‘Hey! Arnold’ and intend to copy it.)

Before I leave though…

100 Questions Answered by Tim

I was bored enough to do this on facebook yesterday, and thought I’d re-post it on here because I spent far too long filling it in to just let it drown on Facebook.

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT?
Got one on my forehead.
Got hit in the face with a tennis racket at school.
Pretty amazing really.
I was playing rounders at the time.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Six suits hanging on a picture rail, and a John Smiths branded clock.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
A banana.
(It doesn’t really. I’ve looked and looked for a banana phone but I just can’t find one. Depressing thought that. It just looks like a phone.)

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
All I’m going to say is, people tend not to let me near jukeboxes for fear of attracting OAPs.

5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
It’s actually this – Salute to a Queen
I just like it.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A pint of ribena, a hug, and four after eight mints.

7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Sure.
Marry whoever you want.

8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
Time ago a bit long it were.

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
Yep.
Next question.

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
A beautiful song that I found on the internet a while ago.
I love it.
YOUTUBE LINK! IN CAPITALS. FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN I LIKE LINKS IN CAPITALS.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
No, I get scared of all the dangerous sharp pointy things I leave on the floor out of laziness and can’t see in the dark.

12. THE LAST PERSON/THING TO MAKE YOU CRY?
I can’t currently access that information.
It’s already been repressed.

13. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE SAME SEX?
The most ugly kind, so that I look far better in comparison.

14. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
I think I’d best leave them alone. Southern Comfort works just as well, if not better.

15. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Lucozade.
Despite the fact it makes me feel like a claustrophobic heroine addict stuck in an elavator.

16. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
I don’t even like pizza.
I don’t think it’s natural to have circles THAT big in food.
Plus, cheese is my kryptonite.
Which makes Lex Luthor a milkman probably.
Or a goat farmer.
Dairy farmer, that’s it.

17. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Not really hungry.
Eaten far too much already.
Though I wouldn’t say no to an all-you-can-eat chinese buffet at the Sakura.
Noodles are sublime.

18. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I don’t think I make people mad.
I think I’m a calming, eternal source of relaxation and good feeling.
I’m a bit like an executive desk toy I suppose.
Or a wall mounted musical novelty fish.

19. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
I speak guinea pig.
My good friend Cinnamon consults with me at length most mornings.
We’re actually planning preparations for our entrance into politics in four years time.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT SOMEONE GAVE YOU?
Colin (assistant manager at work) bought me a Mars bar yesterday. It was good.

21. DO YOU LIKE/GOT SOMEONE?
I don’t got anyone no.
I don’t even got proper grammar it seems.

22. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
I don’t need to be.
My joints are perfectly tuned anyway.
Quality not quantity my dears.
(For some reason I answered that in the style of Michael Winner. Sorry.)

23. FAVORITE FRIENDS?
I don’t have favourites, that would be favouritism, and as everyone knows.. all ‘isms’ are bad.

24. WHAT’S YOUR DREAM CAR?
One that drove itself, so I could still have a few ales.
A self driving McLaren.
A self driving McLaren with pez dispensers in the arm rests.

25. DO YOU BELIVE IN AFTER-LIFE?
Nope.
I’ve only just started to believe in during-life.

26. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Few thoughts really:
Weddings are fun.
A wife would be handy.
Marry me now.

27. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I think I’ll have to answer a question with a question, I would say ‘Would you fall down a mine shaft knowing that the roof was about to cave in?”. You might, but then you probably didn’t choose to fall in the first place.
If you did, then you’re probably a few sandals sort of a shoe shop and anything that stops you reproducing is probably a good thing.

28. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Drunkenly, in an accidental text message meant for someone else.

29. Say a number from 1-100.
Twentingtons.
(Yes, that is from Numberwang. My favourite Numberwang.)

30. BLONDE OR BRUNETTE?
Blondes scare me.
Brunettes scare me too, but are easier to spot in crowds.

31. WHAT IS THE ONE PHONE NUMBER SHOWS UP ON YOUR PHONE THE MOST?
Two numbers I’d say, 0 and 7.

32. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Mmm, danone.
(As said on the advert. It’s like nails on a blackboard. Or knives on a particularly gratey plate.)

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.K.?
I went to Menorca many times.
France and Belgium once too.
Not really got any thoughts on this matter.

34. YOUR WEAKNESS?
My only real weakness is a small thermal exhaust port, connected directly to my main reactor. This exhaust port, only two meters wide (about the size of a womp rat), is protected in a trench running 50 kilometers across my surface, towards the upper pole. Turbolaser turrets protect most of my surface with a deadly hail of fire, but the far end of the trench is thinly defended. A ship maneuvering into the trench at this point might have a chance of surviving the run and bombing the exhaust port.
(In case anyone reads this, this is in fact the weak spot of the Death Star from Star Wars. A film I’m not actually a big fan of. Still, another question down isn’t it?)

35. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT YOU GAVE?
Why only yesterday I gave Lewis (the work experience boy) a limited edition “TIM TIMMINGTON” art leaflet (one of only 25 in the world!). Generous much? Yes. Yes I am.

36. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE HOLIDAY?
The one with the court case and the crazy levels of rhino based violence.

37. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes.
It did not go well.
I accidently phoned a friends number, and told their mother I loved her.

38. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE THIS?
Something else.
I started this so long ago I forget.

39. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I’d get re-skinned to have a Lego compatible surface.

40. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My Safari Suit.
Interestingly, it’s also that which I get criticised the most on.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Break the law. In a BIG way.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Safari suits and antiques.
Please e-mail me for information on where to purchase these items.
Alternatively, don’t.

45. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
A fictitious dog.
Timmy from the Famous Five.
Proud.

46. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I would like to swing on a star.
And carry moon beams home in a jar.
I’d be better off than I are,
or would I rather be a mule?
(I’m just about singing a song. From the sixties. Can’t help myself. Move on.)

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
Chocolate fingers.

49. WHAT UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING?
Purple boxers.
(I mean by that the underwear in question is a purple pair of boxer shorts, I don’t mean I stole underwear from a boxer who was unusually purple coloured.)

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’s magnificent.
If I wrote laws, people would feel compelled to obey them purely out of respect for my handsomely formed lettering.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE?
Potato.
In chip or vodka form.
And only in chip or vodka form.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Nun at all.
(That’s not even a proper joke, I haven’t got time to work out how to fit it in properly. Though I really do want to.)

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
The single “Love Today” by Mika.
I like it.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I’d hate me. I’d probably still be polite to me, but secretly I’d think.. well I don’t dare say what I’d think. It’s probably somewhat similar to what you really think of me, only with weaker sounding swear words.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Probably.
Sorry.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Of course they do. Don’t pretend they don’t.
Unless you’re registered blind, no ones going to believe you.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I just build it up inside, in preparation for a ‘Falling Down’ style day of madness and violence.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
The Lattice House.
I admit it, I spend far too much time there.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No.
Though I can think of almost four people I trust.
Two of which are actually guinea pigs.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
I liked my Action Man.
Though Micro Machines were pretty awesome too.
I used to have fun playing with anything though.
I still long for time alone with enough cardboard boxes to make a fort.

61. ARE YOU AFRAID OF GROWING UP?
I have nothing to fear except those fears on my long list of fears which may or may not include growing up. Photobooths and creatures that scurry maliciously are on there though.

62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Far too much.
It may be the lowest form of wit, but then I’m one of the lowest forms full stop.

63. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
Nah.
I don’t need religion.
I have blind contentment and arrogant confidence.

64. DOES 11:11 MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
It’s the number one written four times with a colon in between.

66. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
They’re alright, except mother is the loudest person in the universe.

67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
I don’t know. I have a fantastic ability to block things like that out.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I have to.. they’re walking boots.
I’m lazy enough that I’d kick off the entire foot though if it were possible.

69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
The blood of a calf.
Though only ritually.

70. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
Guinea pigs
Cinnamon (full name is actually ‘Mr Cinnamon X’) and Whitey.
They’re actually my siblings pets, but I know they’d prefer me if they had the choice.
I made one of their hutches.
It has pretty brass butterfly hinges and vented fibreboard walls.

71. WHAT IS THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
A guinea pig,.
This is turning into a guinea pig questionnaire.

72. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR?
I don’t know.
They’re all pretty brilliant.
They even make each other look better.

73. WHAT’S THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
I can’t remember it’s title actually.
It was about physics, and I have the urge to re-read it now.
I’m not sure I fully understood it, but when I finished it I actually had the feeling that I might be some sort of wizard.

I am reading “Teach yourself English grammar” in the pub when I’m there though.
Still getting to grips with ‘who’ and ‘whom’.
Fascinating.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
I don’t really know.
More than one, less than a googolplex.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
I don’t want anyone to.
It’s a waste of time and pixels.
I’m only doing it because I’m too tired to go to the pub and I’ve ran out of tv to watch.

76. WHAT’S YOUR DREAM VACATION?
A nuclear submarine holiday.
I’d be captain, and there’d be pirate hunting trips.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE/DRANK?
Sausages and chips.
I’m a very boring man.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I believe it was mother, I required her transportation help.

79. WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE SAME SEX?
Whether they look like a ruffian I may have to duel or not.

80. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
Nah.
I believe in lust at first sight that can lead to love though.
I do seem to be invisible however.

81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE?
Modern life.
It’s a tad faulty.

82. FAVOURITE DRINK?
Ribena.
I’d die without it.
Probably literally.

83. FAVOURITE ZODIAC SIGN?
It’s all pish tosh.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT?
Formula One or Billiards in general.
I have a beautiful new snooker cue, in a beautiful new case.
I just need a plaque with my name on now to attach to it.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Brown.
It’s an adequate colour. I can’t complain.

86. EYE COLOUR?
Brown.
I like my eyes.
I’m sure I’ve been told they’re slightly nicer than not nice, so they must be alrightish.

87. TALL OR SHORT?
They’re sort of eye sized.

88. SIBLINGS?
I have a younger brother, and a sister, and an older brother.
They have varying ages.
I don’t think we need to go into anymore detail.

89. FAVOURITE MONTH?
This month.
Next months.
All of them.
I like months at the moment.
Though take away the N and you get MOTHS, and 12 moths in a year would drive me crazy.
Irregular flight patterns scare me.

90 DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
I’m never trying it. It’s unnatural. It scares me that people aren’t burned as witches for eating it.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Hey! Arnold!
Rhonda had a “cool kid” party and invited Arnold but none of his friends, so Arnold held a party for everyone, and eventually helped Rhonda learn a valuable lesson.
I learn alot from Hey Arnold myself.

92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
They’re all pretty good.
Days are even better than months, as there’s more of them, and they’re nothing like moths.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I’m too something.
Too mentally unstable?
Toucan?

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I like to have both in a year.
They help even it out.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
I don’t do one night stands.
Actually I barely do standing at all.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS
No one will.
No one should.
This is a complete waste of time.
I’m wasting my life away.
If I died now, this would seem even more depressing than a suicide note.

98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Cinnamon.
For reasons of guinea pig anatomic limitations.

99. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
Not that I know of.
Though I’d hope SOMEONE is.
Statistically I think SOMEONE should be.
Knowing my luck it’s probably a seventy year old male bus driver called Logan.
Larry Logan.
Nice name though. Alliteration is beauty.

100. BIGGEST FEAR(S)
- Photobooths
- Small creatures that can outmaneuver me in a scurrying manner
- Loneliness
- Large fish
- Cheese
- I forgot what else.