Jeremy Kyle is brilliantly awful. Also, I am greedy and lazy.

This is me on or about my 18th Birthday, in 2007. Just before I became a total idiot. I have since recovered. Though I often still wear the same tie. Pretty tie. I post this only because I have no relevant pictures to add, and I happen to find this on my old phone.

I’ve been watching “Jeremy Kyle”.

I don’t think there’s anything more uplifting in the world.

I think Jeremy Kyle should be prescribed to cancer sufferers around the world, it’ll either cheer them up…  on the basis that it’s  one hundred times better to be an intelligent person with cancer than a healthy idiot, or possibly make them depressed to the point of considering euthanasia. Which probably means it should be avoided.

Cancel that plan.

“at the end of the day that was at the start”
– Idiot on Jeremy Kyle, explaining why he wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t cheated on his pregnant girlfriend.
He’d earlier claimed that they had ‘lied together naked all night, but didn’t do anything sexual’.

Although I enjoyed it overall, I did fire off a quick e-mail to ITV when I realised there’s plans for them to get part of the license fee, so we will indirectly be FUNDING the daft ‘lie detector’ tests*, refreshments for elderly Scottish prostitutes, and other assorted related expenses.

I’m struggling to post enough to make it routine, and immune from enthusiasm zapping bouts of inactivity.
I can think of reasons for this.
I have made a simple yet effective list of said reasons below.

1, I’m working out the many plans to become a millionaire. Before I make a million, I must make a hundred thousand, and before I make a hundred thousand.. I must make ten thousand, and before I make ten thousand… I must make £5.80 an hour selling outdoorsy clothes and accessories to outdoorsy clothes and accessory needing people. That’s called ‘Tim’s theory of becoming richer than he is now via a part time minimum wage paying retail position’.

2, I am tired. Or lazy. Or perhaps both. My frequent naps get in the way of rambling. Often I eat entire chocolate desserts then fall asleep. On the plus side though, they do provide me with hundreds of wild and vivid dreams, which range from the completely bizarre to the utterly terrifying. Luckily I repress most of them within minutes of waking up.

3, I don’t like to make lists of only two items. That is not so much an excuse, more of an explanation of why I’m still typing when I finished saying anything even remotely relevant many words past.

I thought I should write about all the things I’ve done in the past month, all the amazing stories and fantastic tales of my triumphant deeds in the face of evil. Including this mornings amazing events, involving me eating an entire chocolate dessert! Which is pretty much it actually, I ate a chocolate dessert. Nothing more interesting has happened since 1996, the year I had four chocolate desserts then abstained entirely for 1997.

More importantly, I should write down my dreams though, so they can be preserved here forever, so that they can be quoted in newspapers when I’ve finally lost the plot and gained international notoriety for training wild bears to lunge wildly in the direction of former American presidents.

More unfortunately, as already mentioned, I’ve repressed all the dreams. So there’s nothing to share. I’ll make an effort to write them down next time I wake up screaming.

TO CONCLUDE: I am bored, looking forward to times in which I have spare money (I’ve just bought a new phone). Also, I’m sorry if there’s parts of this post that make not any sense, I started it and then went for a walk and went back to the draft without actually reading it through. I also never proof read.

*Lie detectors on The Jeremy Kyle Show are like faulty fire alarms… yes they’re correct 99% per cent of the time, when the idiots are lying and there isn’t a fire, but the other 1% of the time could be very dangerous for some.

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