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I’m here! I’ve not died! (As of 04/10/10 anyway.)

I’ve been highly distracted lately.

This is that first bit featured in about 48 per cent of my blogs, in which I explain why I haven’t blogged in a long time. Noel Edmunds! I see it’s almost been an entire month! That’s long enough for people to start dredging local lakes. Of course no one did, they just phoned me, and I answered, and the lakes went un-dredged. Pity though, shopping trolleys can’t be phoned, they’re never found. That’s the real tragedy here. They rarely blog either, so I doubt anyone even realises they’re missing. I’m now thinking this would make a great ‘murder’ mystery for an episode of Midsomer Murders, or a particularly difficult conundrum for an episode of Jonathan Creek if he ever gets brain damaged.

As always, I have many excuses for this. I have prepared them in a list based format, so you may read through them and decide which are acceptable excuses and which are little more than fragrantly worded poppycock*.

Excuses for Tim not paying attention to his egotistically driven self-promotional hobby in blog form:

1, The Lattice House
2, Millets

Mainly the first one actually. That also includes a trip to Wisbech with some of the staff and regulars, in which we failed to have a p*ss up in a brewery, and had a coach mutiny on us.

I should point out however, that despite the failure to get drunk in the brewery, and the loss of said coach, we did have rather a good evening. In which we discovered a wonderful pint in “Admiral’s Reserve”**, and a not so nice pint in “Death Or Glory”, which from the taste I think was made by Sarsons.

In other news, I’m hideously short of money this month, and would implore all friends and other Lattice House regulars to stop offering me drinks.. because at this rate I really won’t ever be able to return the favour….. (Notice there I say ‘I would implore’, and that I haven’t actually implored anyone yet. So, offer away!)***

Chin fondling involving Tim Timmington

Here is Jac fondling the chins of both myself and Mr Leonard Scottsworth. I may not actually be Lattice Staff, but they do include me in their cider driven chin fondling.

In another recent development, recent being 1993, I painted a picture of myself. I was 4 and in class 1 of primary school.

This therefore is my first self portrait:

Tim Timmington, Self portrait, 1993

I remember wanting to spend as much time painting as possible so as not to have to go back to doing letters, hence why I made it fill the page, and gave myself morbid obesity.

I took this photograph of it not because I’m renewing my passport and need a photo for it, but because Kirsty reminded me of it****, and I thought “Yes, I should post it onto my blog”. I’m quite proud of it, I think that’s good for a 4 year old with special needs.

In actual fact I think I could only barely do any better now…. otherwise I’ve really got nothing new to tell you all.

A customer did e-mail Millets to compliment me on my helpfulness and jacket knowledge (they purchased a red Regatta Harlow Men’s 3 in 1 Isotex 5000 jacket actually, size XL. No one reading this needed to know that, but it will remind me when I’m reminiscing years from now.), that was nice. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before… at Westgate I sometimes got tips, and odd flirting from middle aged women, but never anything in writing…

That’s it really. The end. If I was to continue any longer I’d have to start taking photos of body parts as filler. My own body parts I mean. I don’t have peoples body parts just lying around my bedroom floor willy nilly.

I don’t have any neatly stored in tool chests either for that matter.

To clarify, all body parts in the room are mine, and still fairly sturdily attached.

Goodnight all.

*Poppycock will probably get this blog blocked in most educational institutions. I did think about thesaurusising it to find a replacement, however I felt using the word poppycock did more for society than censoring could ever do. Interestingly, thesaurusising is a (new/made up) word meaning ‘to look up in a thesaurus’, and ironically has no synonyms.

**If you happen to be said Admiral, would you be prepared to share said reserves with me? I can of course re-pay you in nautical themed drinking games. Perhaps the one where we take a drink every time we think of something we’ve bettered the French at. Of course I am assuming your reserves are quite large with that one…

***Why is it I sometimes put things in brackets, and at other times use asterisks afterwards? I’m not sure if I’m consciously deciding or just hideously inconsistent. I might even add a “P.S.” at the end so I’ve used all three of my usual thought adding literacy devices.

****I don’t mean she looks anything like this, that would have been both unfortunate and hilarious. I mean we had a chat about being children and that reminded me of this.

P.S. I did decide to add a pointless ‘P.S.’ 🙂

P.P.S. Here is a picture of my hand:

I've used this picture before, I just thought I'd show an example of pointlessly taking photos of fairly sturdily attached body parts.

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