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Horses: What are they for?

Recently it’s occured to me that I simply don’t post enough educational content.

Lady Godiva famously used her horse as a sort of medieval webcam, using it to drunkenly display herself to hundreds of men around the town without a shred of decency. Pictured here seconds before vomiting on herself, she has fallen asleep in a drunken daze.

So, I bring you the first of a very special series of posts, about animals. Animals are the things that look like really weird looking humans that have forgotten to walk on their hind legs. These are not to be confused with English holidaymakers abroad, these are sunburnt humans too drunk to walk on their hind legs.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to cover every animal here. That would require either much time or a plastic tarpaulin of Biblical proportions.

I instead narrowed the list down to one animal, and then expanded it again to include all animals beginning with the letter ‘A’. Then I lost that list, and decided just to start with horses and worry about the rest later.

No. 1 – The Horse (Also known as a “Paint Your Own Zebra Kits”)

Mr Horsingtons. A fine example of a horse. Pictured here preparing for a Lloyds TSB audition.

Mr Horsingtons. A fine example of a horse. Pictured here preparing for a successful Lloyds TSB audition.

Horses originated in the Wild West, and probably evolved from wild dogs. At this time their only use was for transport, and to provide background noise for John Wayne films. Wikipedia seems to disagree with this, wildly speculating that the horset “has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature”. This seems unlikely, as toes to hooves would be a step backward.

Consider waking up in the morning and finding your feet had been replaced with hooves. Not only would your boots require radical re-lacing, and some sort of iron insole, but you’d also have no means of stealthy movement whatsoever.

Really, horses were only ever useful for transport, and ploughing.

Nowadays,  although Dogs still exist, they serve only as small horses, for indoor use. Otherwise, the horse has largely been replaced by the Rover 200 and John Deere tractors.

At first glance, this may appear to be an unfinished Zebra. In actual fact, it is an example of a "cut and shut" horse, made from two horse/zebra wrecks welded together. The missing rear section of the horse was later found welded to the front of a 1998 Vauxhall Vectra, used as a getaway car in an armed robbery.

Now, you know about horses. Next week could be ducks, swans, geese, or perhaps a wild Abra might even appear. Only time, and ale, will tell…

Goodbye for now!

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One Response to “Horses: What are they for?”

  • christina bednar Says:

    YOU NEED TO TAKE THE PICTURE OFF WITH THE NAKED WOMEN ON THE HORSE IT IS NOT APPROITATE FOR THE LITTLE KIDS THAT WERE LOOKING AT THE HORSES SO MY KIDS ARE SCARED TAKE IT OFF PLEASE AND THANK U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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