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Fruit contemplation.

I’ve become interested in fruit. I’ve never really known a lot about fruit, I don”t really like fruits and vegetables. I thought this might be a good way for me to learn about fruit. Unfortunately, I can not be bothered to look up fruit on Wikipedia, so I’m going to be using my own knowledge interspersed with wild and fruity speculation.

I do however have two favourite fruits, the apple, and Ribena.

Apparently, Ribena is the only fruit that has a themed ride at Alton Towers. Not entirely sure it needs one. Also, Berry Bish Bash sounds a bit like a racist event involving the beating of purple spherical people with sticks.

You may think Ribena is not technically a fruit. I however, see it like this… A Lego Millenium Falcon is a Star Wars toy. The individual pieces, on their own, or even if you had a punnet of all of only one type, would be boring. Once you have a nice mixture of different blocks (or berries, you might say) then you have something brilliant.

To me therefore:

The Lego Millennium Falcon is both Lego and a Millennium Falcon.
Blackcurrant Ribena is both fruit and a drink.

I do not eat any other fruits, or lego. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying these fruits though, I often enjoy looking at, singing about, and contemplating fruit. Some of my favourites are;

Watermelon – Anyone eating a watermelon looks happy. You rarely eat watermelon at funerals. Why is this? Because watermelons make you smile. They’re also quite sticky. No one wants sticky hands at a funeral. Sticky hands are an ancient sign of guilt.

Mother: "Your father just choked to death on his watermelon!" Daughter: "More for us!"

Lemon – You can’t make lemonade without squeezing lemons. Similarly, you can’t bake cakes without breaking eggs. You can buy lemon cake in Sainsbury’s and kill two birds, break four eggs, and squeeze three lemons with one stone though. Not literally, but proverbially. Additionally, I like yellow fruit.

Pineapple – This is an odd one. If pineapple’s didn’t occur naturally, people wouldn’t believe they are real. Sometimes it feels like tinned pineapple circles are real, and they’re just in bizarre anti-theft packaging. If DVD’s came in pineapple based packaging, shoplifting would be less attractive. Additionally, if mobile phone handsets were shaped like pineapples, very few would end up smuggled into prisons.

Orange – I do not like Oranges. I do however like the colour, and I’ve already mentioned my like of yellow, so I thought I’d best be fair and mention Orange too. Interesting, not all colours are fruits. Indeed green is a vegetable, and black is actually a lack of fruit.

The view from inside an orange. Note colour -Orange.

Coconut – Coconuts are a bit like novelty cups for Hawaiians. Imagine the outside. There are fruits there. Oh wait, I like fruit, but I’m thirsty. Where is the coke machine? There is no coke machine. There is a coconut dispenser/tree. Coconuts are neither fruit nor colour, and are a bit like furry cups of water. The name suggests it’s a nut, but I find it unlikely, as I have never found a Christmas nut selection that includes one.

Coconuts are furry, this one unfortunately appears to be balding and attempting some sort of comb over.

Fruit Of The Loom – Includes any fruit that happen to grow in the shape of cotton tee shirts.

Bananas – I do not like bananas per se, I think they’re too close to being rudely shaped. They also unfairly make unshaven people look like apes. I do however, like the word banana. As in “Hi Banana”, “I feel bananary” and “Banana?”. Fantastic shape for phones for novelty song value, but poor choice for dissuading prison smugglers.

An identity parade scene from the fruit version of "The Bill".

Cucumber – My good friend and guinea pig ‘Mr Cinnamon X’ likes cucumber. I therefore like it because he likes it. I’m starting to think it may be a vegetable though, based on my colour code theory, as it is quite green.

Zebra – Not a fruit, but on my mind. Fast in comparison to most fruits. Not to Lions, sadly.

That’s that really.

I did toy with the idea of including the Mango here, but I can’t really remember what they look like. I believe they’re like a better groomed peach.

I am still hibernating for the winter, normal blog service will resume as and when I’m no longer cold and tired, and it’s warm enough to lounge in a safari suit.

Thank you.

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