For those who watch ‘The Apprentice’.

I’ve started watching ‘The Apprentice’. It’s fantastic because you get to see idiots get fired. Unfortunately there’s also a high probability you’ll see an idiot get employed.

There’s been two episodes so far, and two people have been fired. Don’t read on if you haven’t got around to watching it on iPlayer yet and don’t want to hear any spoilers…

THOSE WHO CONTEST (The contestants)

Alex Britez Cabral
He cleaned and cut bread, quite well. I think. He doesn’t really need a high salary and a tailored suit for it though. I actually had to look up to find out exactly what it is he’s done, as I honestly couldn’t remember him from watching the programme at all. Looking back over highlights, he has the body language of someone that has accidentally urinated in someone’s laundry bin, and is unsure whether to run away or blame it on the dog.

Edna Agbarha
She does that annoying head shake thing. In fact, she appears to be made of body language, and none of it is good. I dislike her tremendously. Perhaps if after selecting herself as the one to present the teams application in ‘Episode 2’ she’d shown any flair or ability I would think differently. I think however it was a case of “I think this is the job most likely to impress Lord Sugar, therefore I shall do it.”. In case you missed it, imagine the most generic and tacky worded presentation possible. Basically “Our app is GOOD.” without actually revealing why or what it does. It would go some way in her defence to say that the idea for the application was appalling, had it not been her decision to go with it in the first place. Watch out for the next episode, in which she criticises the Project Manager without being helpful herself. A woman made of excuses.

Edward Hunter
Oranges. Oranges are going to haunt this man for the rest of his life. His approach to being Project Manager might have worked, had it been an episode of Only Fools And Horses. 1400 oranges and not even time to juice half of them. They may as well have been louvre doors.

Ellie Reed
Apparently once chased a burglar out of her house when she was 17. Not really sure why that’s deemed relevant in the interviews, but it’s quite literally the only thing I remember about her. Didn’t notice her in the programmes.

Felicity Jackson
In the first challenge she advocated the spending of as little money as possible, which didn’t go down well. In the second challenge she came up with the idea for the girls application, which was awful. Still, they won both times. She’s either very good or very lucky. I’m betting on the latter.

Gavin Winstanley
I haven’t seen much of Gavin. Though he claims in his audition to have been ‘the best at everything I’ve ever done’, I don’t believe him. Still, he might be hiding genius. Alternatively, he might just be hiding.

Glenn Ward
Glenn is probably the most dislikeable of all. “To be honest, I am really great” to quote him. Though he claims to be intelligent, and got a ‘first at uni’, he comes across as an over confident idiot. He also get’s my nomination for the candidate most likely to be arrested in connection with rape allegations.

Helen Louise Milligan
I quite like Helen. I think she needs to assert herself as project manager next week and she could do well. That is only based on the few sentences I’ve heard her speak, but I’m confident she has the ability to say more.

Jim Eastwood
Jim is from Northern Ireland. He actually seems very good. Two things spring to mind though. Firstly that he might not do so well as a leader, secondly that his Irish accent may make women swoon over him. There is no place in business for swooning.

Leon Doyle
Either a closeted homosexual or…. well, actually I’m pretty sure that’s it. Not that that affects his business ability. He seems to be engineering a career based on TV hand outs, having already visited the online Dragon’s Den for £10,000 previously. Having watched his pitch, I consider him an idiot. Mainly for using the term “legal legalities”. His website is amazingly orange. More so than the orange website. He seems also to have made money previously from a website called “WhitePumps.co.uk”, a website that sells three types of pumps (shoes), disappointingly only one being white. A website that looks suspiciously like a e-commerce template with three products added and some text copied and pasted from Wikipedia.

Melody Hossaini
Comes across as a spoilt child sometimes. I would never consider hiring her on the basis that I can see her being consistently overbearing, patronising, and forever talking in that annoying voice (pot kettle scenario developing perhaps, but really, I can’t stand hearing her speak). Her CV and claimed experiences are very impressive, I just dislike her immensely.

Natasha Scribbins
Came up with the name ‘Ampi-App’. Impressively a name worse than ‘Slangatang’, and even more nonsensical. She also sold some fruit. Not exactly impressive.

Susan Ma
I haven’t seen much of her, but she could be good. I’m hoping when she does get a chance she does well, the fact that  Edna was abrupt with her is enough to make me want her to do well.

Tom Pellereau
Tom is nice enough. He is a bit of nerd. I do not think he will win. I could be wrong though. I just foresee him being sabotaged by one of the others, or making a massive mistake due to missing something obvious he’s missed due to having a one track nerd mind.

Vincent Disneur
Somewhat creepy, his creepiness is both his greatest weakness and greatest strength. Ultimately, he is completely unhirable due to the risk he will spread chlamydia around the work place.

Zoe Beresford
Again, someone I haven’t really noticed. Though she did defend the fact the girls application had a picture of an elephant coupled with barking noises with ‘that’s the randomness and the quirkiness of it and what we are trying to achieve’. That’s enough to fire her in my book.

So, I’m not really sure where that leaves us. I think I should win it. Unfortunately, the entry form is very long, and as everyone knows… the first rule of good business is that long forms can only lead to sadness. Sadness and/or successful loan applications.

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