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On the day before the eve of Christmas Eve…

Yet again, I have done nothing blog worthy.

I've recently been experimenting with new ways to write legal documents. I now use tables instead of paper, and sign my name only in condiments. This example is the back of my giant wooden credit card.

I've recently been experimenting with new ways to write legal documents. I now use tables instead of paper, and sign my name only in condiments. This example is the back of my giant wooden credit card. In case you're wondering, yes, it is woodchip and pin.*

This week I managed to:
– order two new suits
– go to the pub
– write and send one christmas card

That is all.

Tomorrow I have to pop into town for an early appointment at the lack of jobs centre, and then attempt to buy christmas presents, but actually fail miserably, ending up spending all my money on suits.

It’ll make for an interesting day, up until the point I eventually realise you can’t buy many suits with six pound coins and a tic-tac box full of five pence pieces.

Still, I can dream.
Mainly about this:

A safari suit, modelled by some guy.

A safari suit, modelled by some guy.

Unfortunately, I don’t actually think I can afford it.. despite it being cheap as chips (well, cheap as 40 cones of chips. Or 40 kilograms of McCain Chunky Homefries**. Or two very large cotton chips, carved into the shape of a two piece safari suit.). It also is probably a couple of inches too big for me in terms of chest size (I am of course, still a tiny tiny man.). I may buy it anyway however, so that if ever I over eat and become larger, I will at least be able to enjoy the handsome lines of style and theĀ  ‘I-just-killed-a-lion-with-only-a-high-velocity-rifle-and-a-zebra-striped-land-rover’ look.

Now, suits aside for a few minutes (Only a few though, I’m in a suity mood.), I actually had other things to say in this blog. I don’t remember any of them. I think it was something to do with christmas or easter. It’s christmas on Friday so I’m going to go with that, and share my christmas based wisdom with you all.

Christmas

Christmas is good.
Snow makes going to the pub more difficult.
Elf is the best christmas movie.
Presents are difficult to buy.
I like the excuse to eat and drink in excess.
Dutch police hate reindeer

The best christmas song is “Fairytale Of New York” by The Pogues & Kirsty McColl.
The second best christmas song might be by Hot Pantz.
I’d like to give you one.
I’d really like to give you one.
I’d like to give you for christmas.

That’s all I have to say about that.
I haven’t evean dreamt about much lately.
Except for one dream in which I bombed a law firm, but I dare not share that in case it wasn’t a dream and I was in fact confessing to the real life murder of three people.

Before I go though, I feel I should report the worrying fascist activity going on at my family’s dinner table lately..

Sister: Joe’s written ‘Nazi’ on my shopping list!
Me: Oh he didn’t did he? You can’t do that to her shopping list! Pass it here and let me have a look! That’s very bad of you.
*looks at shopping list*

Me: Right, but you had in fact already drawn a swastika on your list before he wrote ‘Nazi’ on it?
Sister: Well yeah… but it’s my shopping list….

I think I should probably end on that note.
Goodnight all.

*Probably the worst pun I’ve made all year. I feel like I should apologise, but I can’t. You wouldn’t read this if you couldn’t handle tacky wordplay.
**You may ask why I bothered to make that a link. The answer? Purely because I imagine people like to click things. I click things all the time. Sometimes I open MS Paint just so I can enjoy clicking the little red “X” icon to close it again. Try it. It’s more fun than you’d think. It’s a bit like having a little servant with an easel in the next room, and every so often you ring a bell and proclaim the urge to paint a picture, and as soon as the easel is set up and the paints set out, you say “Actually no, I no longer wish to paint a picture. I shall return to staring at my wallpaper instead.” and he scurries away. Like a guinea pig carrying tiny books.

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