"


Productive isn’t really the word…

I really don’t do enough. I work of course, but that doesn’t take up even half of my time. The rest of my time isn’t spent entirely wisely. For instance, today I spent six hours browsing eBay, drew two pictures, had a curry, and changed my Facebook profile picture.

Now that my profile picture shows me to be a Guinness drinking pirate, I had better tighten my privacy settings to deal with the floods of amorous women that it will almost certainly attract.

Of course creating pictures can be worthwhile. If you imagine in your mind me painting two large and stunning oil paintings, minutely detailed and incredibly vivid and moving, then yes, that would make today very productive. Unfortunately, the reality is somewhat less impressive.

I started with the intention of representing my life as a picture. I ended up drawing a spider using a telephone. One would hope they would be two entirely different things.

If this was the cover of a video compilation of hilarious Golf rage clips and anecdotes, presented by Arnold Palmer, I would purchase it.

I haven’t spoken to Arnold quite yet, but if he’s up for the gig I’ll leave Millets and live off golf rage royalties for the rest of my life. I did go to a Pirate themed barbecue on Saturday. That was productive. I ate a cake, met lots of people, and rekindled a love affair with Apple Sourz that can only lead to scandal…

I could certainly teach those Somalians a thing or two about piracy. It's all about making the right faces. This one is my exceptionally steely revenge face.

Tim Timmington?! Ha ha ha!! That's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard!

Well, that’s it really. I’m posting only pictures of me to avoid favouritism.

An exception is made for Arnold Palmer, to help in future golf rage video royalty negotiations.

Although I suppose I really should thank Steve for hosting such a good Pirate barbecue, and Linda for taking photographs, thus providing me with materials and filler for an otherwise pointless blog.

Thank you Steve.
Thank you Linda.

Goodbye.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

Mop Up (Swish, Slop, Swishy Swish, Squeeze, Repeat)

Today is Tuesday.

Today the Kitchen decided to over moisten itself.. in a sort of flood like manner… here are some pictures:

*sploooosh*

*shhhhoowee*

*drippedy drip drip*

Admittedly not all of those pictures are actually of my kitchen. They certainly convey the image of a house and water though. To get technical, much water came from the wrong end of the tap (the hidden end that normally is dry and in a cupboard) and flooded the kitchen floor.

I donned my waterproof boots, my waterproof hat, and my sunproof sunglasses, and went to the hardware store. A part was bought, fitted, and all was well.

I must admit that my waterproof hat and boots were kind of unnecessary due to it being a beautiful summer’s day, and the fact that the hardware store wasn’t in the vicinity of the flooding kitchen. It almost made my extravagant purchases seem useful for a minute there though.

Additionally, I suppose I should mention that it was Dad that actually did all the practical bits, and all I did was buy a thing from a person in a shop, but I’m pretty sure I get some credit for that.

WHY IS THIS NOTEWORTHY?

It is not. Luckily, this is a blog. So it does not need to be worthy of note, only worthy of blog.

WHY IS THIS BLOGWORTHY?
It is not that either to be honest. However it ties in quite well with the idea of ‘mopping up’ the past few pretty blogless months into one consolidated, manageable, convenient six monthly blog post. The Ocean Finance approach to blogging.

Not much has happened, as usual.

I still work at Millets.

I still buy far too much Berghaus clothing and camping equipment.

Though I have been testing things in an outdoor camping based scenario more.

In fact I might even review things properly on here at some point…

Here are some pictures*:

I bought a new day sack for taking to work everyday. I almost returned it as it was quite blurry. However it turned out that everything in my life is in fact blurry. As shown by this picture.

Erecting a tent is just as easy as any other pole based erection.

I'm told this happens to lots of guys.

Some might see this as a 'luxury' to take camping, but allowing yourself a few extra hours for pitching/plumbing does make the experience a great deal more civilised.

Beer, Physics, Cup a Pasta, and my favourite mug. What more could I possibly need?

As it turns out, I really could have done with a spoon. Having forgot to bring one, I had to use a trowel. A trowel which was somewhat more unwieldy and substantially sharper.

Well that’s that really.

I will try to remember who I am more often, and then perhaps I’ll remember I have a blog.

In case you are the people I’m about to mention, and you are reading this, I wish to thank you to the strangers from The Fenman who reminded me I blog the other day. Thank you. I found it most helpful.

That’s really it for now.

Merry Wednesday to you all.

*Yes, actual ‘scene of crime’ type photos this time. There is a non-crime related phrase for what I meant to say there, but I do not know what it is. Habitual readers may notice this is yet another poor excuse to add an asterisked note at the bottom of my post yet again. This I enjoy.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | 2 Comments »

Odd One Out Round

Four pictures, one odd one out. No conferring.

Picture 1

Picture 2

Picture 3

Picture 4

Three of these pictures show a defiant London bearing up under the pressure of an unprecedented bombing campaign by Hitler’s Luftwaffe during the Second World War.

Picture 3 however, shows ‘Carpetright’. Burning last night after having been looted and torched by rioters. In violence apparently sparked by the Police shooting of a man, who whether lawfully killed or not, had been carrying a gun.

There is no excuse for this behavior. It’s trouble for the sake of trouble, and after watching the news footage from Hackney and Tottenham, I rather think we should adopt a wartime policy or two.

Starting with; “All looters to be shot on sight”.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

For those who watch ‘The Apprentice’.

I’ve started watching ‘The Apprentice’. It’s fantastic because you get to see idiots get fired. Unfortunately there’s also a high probability you’ll see an idiot get employed.

There’s been two episodes so far, and two people have been fired. Don’t read on if you haven’t got around to watching it on iPlayer yet and don’t want to hear any spoilers…

THOSE WHO CONTEST (The contestants)


Alex Britez Cabral
He cleaned and cut bread, quite well. I think. He doesn’t really need a high salary and a tailored suit for it though. I actually had to look up to find out exactly what it is he’s done, as I honestly couldn’t remember him from watching the programme at all. Looking back over highlights, he has the body language of someone that has accidentally urinated in someone’s laundry bin, and is unsure whether to run away or blame it on the dog.

Edna Agbarha
She does that annoying head shake thing. In fact, she appears to be made of body language, and none of it is good. I dislike her tremendously. Perhaps if after selecting herself as the one to present the teams application in ‘Episode 2’ she’d shown any flair or ability I would think differently. I think however it was a case of “I think this is the job most likely to impress Lord Sugar, therefore I shall do it.”. In case you missed it, imagine the most generic and tacky worded presentation possible. Basically “Our app is GOOD.” without actually revealing why or what it does. It would go some way in her defence to say that the idea for the application was appalling, had it not been her decision to go with it in the first place. Watch out for the next episode, in which she criticises the Project Manager without being helpful herself. A woman made of excuses.

Edward Hunter
Oranges. Oranges are going to haunt this man for the rest of his life. His approach to being Project Manager might have worked, had it been an episode of Only Fools And Horses. 1400 oranges and not even time to juice half of them. They may as well have been louvre doors.

Ellie Reed
Apparently once chased a burglar out of her house when she was 17. Not really sure why that’s deemed relevant in the interviews, but it’s quite literally the only thing I remember about her. Didn’t notice her in the programmes.

Felicity Jackson
In the first challenge she advocated the spending of as little money as possible, which didn’t go down well. In the second challenge she came up with the idea for the girls application, which was awful. Still, they won both times. She’s either very good or very lucky. I’m betting on the latter.

Gavin Winstanley
I haven’t seen much of Gavin. Though he claims in his audition to have been ‘the best at everything I’ve ever done’, I don’t believe him. Still, he might be hiding genius. Alternatively, he might just be hiding.

Glenn Ward
Glenn is probably the most dislikeable of all. “To be honest, I am really great” to quote him. Though he claims to be intelligent, and got a ‘first at uni’, he comes across as an over confident idiot. He also get’s my nomination for the candidate most likely to be arrested in connection with rape allegations.

Helen Louise Milligan
I quite like Helen. I think she needs to assert herself as project manager next week and she could do well. That is only based on the few sentences I’ve heard her speak, but I’m confident she has the ability to say more.

Jim Eastwood
Jim is from Northern Ireland. He actually seems very good. Two things spring to mind though. Firstly that he might not do so well as a leader, secondly that his Irish accent may make women swoon over him. There is no place in business for swooning.

Leon Doyle
Either a closeted homosexual or…. well, actually I’m pretty sure that’s it. Not that that affects his business ability. He seems to be engineering a career based on TV hand outs, having already visited the online Dragon’s Den for £10,000 previously. Having watched his pitch, I consider him an idiot. Mainly for using the term “legal legalities”. His website is amazingly orange. More so than the orange website. He seems also to have made money previously from a website called “WhitePumps.co.uk”, a website that sells three types of pumps (shoes), disappointingly only one being white. A website that looks suspiciously like a e-commerce template with three products added and some text copied and pasted from Wikipedia.


Melody Hossaini
Comes across as a spoilt child sometimes. I would never consider hiring her on the basis that I can see her being consistently overbearing, patronising, and forever talking in that annoying voice (pot kettle scenario developing perhaps, but really, I can’t stand hearing her speak). Her CV and claimed experiences are very impressive, I just dislike her immensely.

Natasha Scribbins
Came up with the name ‘Ampi-App’. Impressively a name worse than ‘Slangatang’, and even more nonsensical. She also sold some fruit. Not exactly impressive.

Susan Ma
I haven’t seen much of her, but she could be good. I’m hoping when she does get a chance she does well, the fact that  Edna was abrupt with her is enough to make me want her to do well.

Tom Pellereau
Tom is nice enough. He is a bit of nerd. I do not think he will win. I could be wrong though. I just foresee him being sabotaged by one of the others, or making a massive mistake due to missing something obvious he’s missed due to having a one track nerd mind.

Vincent Disneur
Somewhat creepy, his creepiness is both his greatest weakness and greatest strength. Ultimately, he is completely unhirable due to the risk he will spread chlamydia around the work place.

Zoe Beresford
Again, someone I haven’t really noticed. Though she did defend the fact the girls application had a picture of an elephant coupled with barking noises with ‘that’s the randomness and the quirkiness of it and what we are trying to achieve’. That’s enough to fire her in my book.

So, I’m not really sure where that leaves us. I think I should win it. Unfortunately, the entry form is very long, and as everyone knows… the first rule of good business is that long forms can only lead to sadness. Sadness and/or successful loan applications.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

I’ve written a song about Hitler.

I feel like I should be more hesitant in writing this.

It strikes me that the very first mention of music on this blog shouldn’t be a song about Hitler.

A little known fact about Hitler is that he was obsessed with the hobby of falconry. Here you see him only seconds after a mischievous owl flew off with his favourite bird handling glove. Level headed as ever, Hitler later stood the Luftwaffe down after only four days of anti-owl fighter patrols above Berlin.

It also strikes me that a tender love ballad about a loved one, or perhaps a light hearted whimsical piece about comically rude sounding place names might have been better ideas for my first attempt at writing lyrics, but no, instead….

I’ve written a song about Hitler.

I must point out at this stage, that this is a tangent from some homework my little sister brought home from school. I believe they were supposed to make a piece of musical propaganda highlighting the claims and promises made to the German people during Hitler’s rise to power in 1932.

I’ve jumped on this idea*, and re-written the classic 70s song “Lola” by The Kinks, to feature Hitler as its protagonist. The idea being it’s from the perspective of someone who fought alongside him during the Great War, who has been brain washed by his claims for Germany’s future.

I must point out that I do not support Hitler. I have no urge to replace Josef Goebbels as his minister of propaganda, and I certainly do not agree with his politics or facial hair. I’m very much anti-Hitler, anti-Nazis, and in fact entirely anti-facism generally.

So, as long as we’re clear that I’m making fun of Hitler (whilst also desecrating one of my favourite songs) , here it is:

Hitler
(to the tune of “Lola”, by The Kinks)

I met him in a trench back in World War One
When we fought for the kaiser
and it felt just like life was o-ver
O-V-E-R, over
He led us the way as we fought into France
I asked him his name and in a dark brown
voice he said Hitler
Huh-i-tuh-e’ler, HITLER. Huh Huh Ha Hitler

Well I’m not most patriotic of guys
But when he spoke me his mind I really felt so inspired
By our Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler
Well I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
how he spoke like a leader
but marched like a man
Oh my Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler

Well we drank peach Schnaaps and
debated all night,
about the German people’s plight
He picked me up about my family tree,
And said dear boy you know what their fate may be!

Well I’m not the world’s most political guy
but when I looked in his eyes well
I knew I’d vote for my Hitler
Huh Huh Ha Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler
Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler

and that’s all that I really wanted to say
that we will do better, day after day
Under Hitler
Huh Huh Ha Hitler
Jews will be shunned and Slavs will be shot
In a fixed up-cleansed up, aryan world
under Hitler
Huh Huh Ha Hitler

(Shouted)
Well our nations forces have been greater before
and the treaty of versaille wouldn’t have them as more
But Hitler smiled and told me they would expand,
and said dear boy it’s all part of my plan

Well I’m not the fatherland’s most faithful of sons
But I know what I am and I’m a proud Ger-man
under Hitler
our future Fuhr-er
Huh Huh Ha Hitler, Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler
Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler, Huh Huh Ha Hitler

End.

I hope I don’t regret this after the gin wears off… though I do believe Hitler is an often Googled name, so it’s probably good for increasing traffic if nothing else.

I think I should I probably should stick to making light of less serious things in future though, I’ve a horrible feeling this post may prove to be a bit more controversial than my views on fruit.

I’ll probably end up paying for this in the future, knowing my luck I’ll probably end up representing us at next years Eurovision song contest….

*By this I mean that I’ve jumped on the idea of creative homework that help people to understand the conditions in which such an evil ideology was able to spread, so that it may never be allowed to again. I do NOT mean that I’ve jumped on the idea of a more powerful post Great War Germany under Nazi rule. I feel the need to clarify this, as I’m very aware how easily misunderstandings can occur.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

Fruit contemplation.

I’ve become interested in fruit. I’ve never really known a lot about fruit, I don”t really like fruits and vegetables. I thought this might be a good way for me to learn about fruit. Unfortunately, I can not be bothered to look up fruit on Wikipedia, so I’m going to be using my own knowledge interspersed with wild and fruity speculation.

I do however have two favourite fruits, the apple, and Ribena.

Apparently, Ribena is the only fruit that has a themed ride at Alton Towers. Not entirely sure it needs one. Also, Berry Bish Bash sounds a bit like a racist event involving the beating of purple spherical people with sticks.

You may think Ribena is not technically a fruit. I however, see it like this… A Lego Millenium Falcon is a Star Wars toy. The individual pieces, on their own, or even if you had a punnet of all of only one type, would be boring. Once you have a nice mixture of different blocks (or berries, you might say) then you have something brilliant.

To me therefore:

The Lego Millennium Falcon is both Lego and a Millennium Falcon.
Blackcurrant Ribena is both fruit and a drink.

I do not eat any other fruits, or lego. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying these fruits though, I often enjoy looking at, singing about, and contemplating fruit. Some of my favourites are;

Watermelon – Anyone eating a watermelon looks happy. You rarely eat watermelon at funerals. Why is this? Because watermelons make you smile. They’re also quite sticky. No one wants sticky hands at a funeral. Sticky hands are an ancient sign of guilt.

Mother: "Your father just choked to death on his watermelon!" Daughter: "More for us!"

Lemon – You can’t make lemonade without squeezing lemons. Similarly, you can’t bake cakes without breaking eggs. You can buy lemon cake in Sainsbury’s and kill two birds, break four eggs, and squeeze three lemons with one stone though. Not literally, but proverbially. Additionally, I like yellow fruit.

Pineapple – This is an odd one. If pineapple’s didn’t occur naturally, people wouldn’t believe they are real. Sometimes it feels like tinned pineapple circles are real, and they’re just in bizarre anti-theft packaging. If DVD’s came in pineapple based packaging, shoplifting would be less attractive. Additionally, if mobile phone handsets were shaped like pineapples, very few would end up smuggled into prisons.

Orange – I do not like Oranges. I do however like the colour, and I’ve already mentioned my like of yellow, so I thought I’d best be fair and mention Orange too. Interesting, not all colours are fruits. Indeed green is a vegetable, and black is actually a lack of fruit.

The view from inside an orange. Note colour -Orange.

Coconut – Coconuts are a bit like novelty cups for Hawaiians. Imagine the outside. There are fruits there. Oh wait, I like fruit, but I’m thirsty. Where is the coke machine? There is no coke machine. There is a coconut dispenser/tree. Coconuts are neither fruit nor colour, and are a bit like furry cups of water. The name suggests it’s a nut, but I find it unlikely, as I have never found a Christmas nut selection that includes one.

Coconuts are furry, this one unfortunately appears to be balding and attempting some sort of comb over.

Fruit Of The Loom – Includes any fruit that happen to grow in the shape of cotton tee shirts.

Bananas – I do not like bananas per se, I think they’re too close to being rudely shaped. They also unfairly make unshaven people look like apes. I do however, like the word banana. As in “Hi Banana”, “I feel bananary” and “Banana?”. Fantastic shape for phones for novelty song value, but poor choice for dissuading prison smugglers.

An identity parade scene from the fruit version of "The Bill".

Cucumber – My good friend and guinea pig ‘Mr Cinnamon X’ likes cucumber. I therefore like it because he likes it. I’m starting to think it may be a vegetable though, based on my colour code theory, as it is quite green.

Zebra – Not a fruit, but on my mind. Fast in comparison to most fruits. Not to Lions, sadly.

That’s that really.

I did toy with the idea of including the Mango here, but I can’t really remember what they look like. I believe they’re like a better groomed peach.

I am still hibernating for the winter, normal blog service will resume as and when I’m no longer cold and tired, and it’s warm enough to lounge in a safari suit.

Thank you.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

Sheep don’t exist.

I owe an apology, I have been caught up in research. After revealing all there is to be cared for about horses… I was given an exclusive hint by a teacher friend revealing an ancient conspiracy of Dan Brown proportions….

First of all, let us remember that famous quote from the ‘Gospel of Matthew’, 7:15…

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves”

Innocent advice enough, one might think.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing are to be avoided. Personally I avoid wolves full stop. So it’s quite logical that meeting a clothed wolf in a dark alley is about on a par in terms of scary as meeting a naked man in the woods.

The flaw here is, there is no record of sheep existing before the Bible. They don’t actually exist. Not naturally anyway. Ask yourself, what is wrong with this picture?

Yes, now it is clear. They are all wearing the same 'clothing'. Or, could it be a 'uniform'? I'll leave you to decide....

Obviously, if sheep had occured naturally, like us humans, then there would be more variation in a herd. Some might have beards, some might be wearing slippers, and a small proportion would have left the field early to get home to watch X factor.

The quote actually is a coded message to all agents of Christianity, to amass a wolf army and disguise them as harmless lumps of wool. The most compelling evidence lies in the “Meal times with Jesus” series of paintings by Leonardo da Vinci.

You may have to click on these to zoom in and see the tiny details that help enlighten us to the truth.

The First Breakfast, by Leonardo Da Vinci. Notice the wolf army amassed in the garden behind them.

The Last Supper, by Leonardo Da Vinci. Click the picture and note how white and fluffy the wolves now look.

Quite what the motives behind organising a worldwide wolf army might be I am not sure. I can’t help but think this revelation raises more questions than it provides answers.

Like..

– Where do sheep dogs fit into this?
– Could it be a plot to hide wolves for their own safety? After the Red Riding Hood backlash?
– Will this lead to a spin off movie? Perhaps ‘The boy who cried sheep”.
– Whatever happened to the fish and the sniper?

You may try to answer them, but for now I’m going back to my winter hibernation..

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | 1 Comment »

Horses: What are they for?

Recently it’s occured to me that I simply don’t post enough educational content.

Lady Godiva famously used her horse as a sort of medieval webcam, using it to drunkenly display herself to hundreds of men around the town without a shred of decency. Pictured here seconds before vomiting on herself, she has fallen asleep in a drunken daze.

So, I bring you the first of a very special series of posts, about animals. Animals are the things that look like really weird looking humans that have forgotten to walk on their hind legs. These are not to be confused with English holidaymakers abroad, these are sunburnt humans too drunk to walk on their hind legs.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to cover every animal here. That would require either much time or a plastic tarpaulin of Biblical proportions.

I instead narrowed the list down to one animal, and then expanded it again to include all animals beginning with the letter ‘A’. Then I lost that list, and decided just to start with horses and worry about the rest later.

No. 1 – The Horse (Also known as a “Paint Your Own Zebra Kits”)

Mr Horsingtons. A fine example of a horse. Pictured here preparing for a Lloyds TSB audition.

Mr Horsingtons. A fine example of a horse. Pictured here preparing for a successful Lloyds TSB audition.

Horses originated in the Wild West, and probably evolved from wild dogs. At this time their only use was for transport, and to provide background noise for John Wayne films. Wikipedia seems to disagree with this, wildly speculating that the horset “has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature”. This seems unlikely, as toes to hooves would be a step backward.

Consider waking up in the morning and finding your feet had been replaced with hooves. Not only would your boots require radical re-lacing, and some sort of iron insole, but you’d also have no means of stealthy movement whatsoever.

Really, horses were only ever useful for transport, and ploughing.

Nowadays,  although Dogs still exist, they serve only as small horses, for indoor use. Otherwise, the horse has largely been replaced by the Rover 200 and John Deere tractors.

At first glance, this may appear to be an unfinished Zebra. In actual fact, it is an example of a "cut and shut" horse, made from two horse/zebra wrecks welded together. The missing rear section of the horse was later found welded to the front of a 1998 Vauxhall Vectra, used as a getaway car in an armed robbery.

Now, you know about horses. Next week could be ducks, swans, geese, or perhaps a wild Abra might even appear. Only time, and ale, will tell…

Goodbye for now!

Tags: , , , ,

Filed under: General | 1 Comment »

The question is, can you afford not to?

According the BBC News website, it is now financially advantageous to go out with me.

I do think they could have picked a better single person to analyse though.
He looks like a secret serial killer.
They could have picked me for example…..

The cost of life as a single man

I've got my (hideously distorted) eye on you......

– Tim Timmington, 21, lives with his parents in Terrington.
– What angers him most is the foil that always ends up floating in his glass of Ribena after opening a new bottle. This however, this has very little to do with our article.
– He doesn’t spend any extra on holidays, because train stations confuse him too much to go on one.
– Shopping is another area he couldn’t give a toss about, because he eats nothing but microwaveable curry, and £2.99 Lattice House meals. A woman would add expense. The greedy harlots that they are.
– He says that Sainsburys and Tescos do a set meal curry for two, but that he can eat these on his own easily, and would most probably guilt any potential partner into not eating, just so he could have more.


It makes you wonder how I’m still single really… Still, it can’t be far off, £250,000 almost makes up for the underlying hidden evil.

On a side note, I hate the word single.
I’ve never understood why you ask for a “Single” bus ticket. It’s aways either “Return to to town”, or “Single to town”.
It seems to suggest that later on in life you might ask for a “Happily married to town”, or “Divorcee to Wisbech”.

On a perpendicular note, “Divorcee to Wisbech” is one of the saddest phrases in the English language, and would probably make a fantastic novel title. Albeit for the saddest novel since Roald Dahl wrote “The Fantastic Mr Fox Hunt”.

I’ve got through a blog post without using asterisks and lots of additions!
Huzzah.

Goodbye.

P.S. I am very aware that this post is formatted horribly, however that’s WordPress for you. It just couldn’t understand my clear instructions, and laid it out like Shakespeare’s brain was hit by a train.
That accidentally rhymed.

I think he’d like that.

Tags: , , ,

Filed under: General | No Comments »

I’m here! I’ve not died! (As of 04/10/10 anyway.)

I’ve been highly distracted lately.

This is that first bit featured in about 48 per cent of my blogs, in which I explain why I haven’t blogged in a long time. Noel Edmunds! I see it’s almost been an entire month! That’s long enough for people to start dredging local lakes. Of course no one did, they just phoned me, and I answered, and the lakes went un-dredged. Pity though, shopping trolleys can’t be phoned, they’re never found. That’s the real tragedy here. They rarely blog either, so I doubt anyone even realises they’re missing. I’m now thinking this would make a great ‘murder’ mystery for an episode of Midsomer Murders, or a particularly difficult conundrum for an episode of Jonathan Creek if he ever gets brain damaged.

As always, I have many excuses for this. I have prepared them in a list based format, so you may read through them and decide which are acceptable excuses and which are little more than fragrantly worded poppycock*.

Excuses for Tim not paying attention to his egotistically driven self-promotional hobby in blog form:

1, The Lattice House
2, Millets

Mainly the first one actually. That also includes a trip to Wisbech with some of the staff and regulars, in which we failed to have a p*ss up in a brewery, and had a coach mutiny on us.

I should point out however, that despite the failure to get drunk in the brewery, and the loss of said coach, we did have rather a good evening. In which we discovered a wonderful pint in “Admiral’s Reserve”**, and a not so nice pint in “Death Or Glory”, which from the taste I think was made by Sarsons.

In other news, I’m hideously short of money this month, and would implore all friends and other Lattice House regulars to stop offering me drinks.. because at this rate I really won’t ever be able to return the favour….. (Notice there I say ‘I would implore’, and that I haven’t actually implored anyone yet. So, offer away!)***

Chin fondling involving Tim Timmington

Here is Jac fondling the chins of both myself and Mr Leonard Scottsworth. I may not actually be Lattice Staff, but they do include me in their cider driven chin fondling.

In another recent development, recent being 1993, I painted a picture of myself. I was 4 and in class 1 of primary school.

This therefore is my first self portrait:

Tim Timmington, Self portrait, 1993

I remember wanting to spend as much time painting as possible so as not to have to go back to doing letters, hence why I made it fill the page, and gave myself morbid obesity.

I took this photograph of it not because I’m renewing my passport and need a photo for it, but because Kirsty reminded me of it****, and I thought “Yes, I should post it onto my blog”. I’m quite proud of it, I think that’s good for a 4 year old with special needs.

In actual fact I think I could only barely do any better now…. otherwise I’ve really got nothing new to tell you all.

A customer did e-mail Millets to compliment me on my helpfulness and jacket knowledge (they purchased a red Regatta Harlow Men’s 3 in 1 Isotex 5000 jacket actually, size XL. No one reading this needed to know that, but it will remind me when I’m reminiscing years from now.), that was nice. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before… at Westgate I sometimes got tips, and odd flirting from middle aged women, but never anything in writing…

That’s it really. The end. If I was to continue any longer I’d have to start taking photos of body parts as filler. My own body parts I mean. I don’t have peoples body parts just lying around my bedroom floor willy nilly.

I don’t have any neatly stored in tool chests either for that matter.

To clarify, all body parts in the room are mine, and still fairly sturdily attached.

Goodnight all.

*Poppycock will probably get this blog blocked in most educational institutions. I did think about thesaurusising it to find a replacement, however I felt using the word poppycock did more for society than censoring could ever do. Interestingly, thesaurusising is a (new/made up) word meaning ‘to look up in a thesaurus’, and ironically has no synonyms.

**If you happen to be said Admiral, would you be prepared to share said reserves with me? I can of course re-pay you in nautical themed drinking games. Perhaps the one where we take a drink every time we think of something we’ve bettered the French at. Of course I am assuming your reserves are quite large with that one…

***Why is it I sometimes put things in brackets, and at other times use asterisks afterwards? I’m not sure if I’m consciously deciding or just hideously inconsistent. I might even add a “P.S.” at the end so I’ve used all three of my usual thought adding literacy devices.

****I don’t mean she looks anything like this, that would have been both unfortunate and hilarious. I mean we had a chat about being children and that reminded me of this.

P.S. I did decide to add a pointless ‘P.S.’ :)

P.P.S. Here is a picture of my hand:

I've used this picture before, I just thought I'd show an example of pointlessly taking photos of fairly sturdily attached body parts.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Filed under: General | 1 Comment »